# 1 Deeper than the Grand Canyon or higher than Mount Everest? WHAT? This is how I'd best describe this page. It's for all the thoughts, ideas, wonderings and to be honest, crap that lives inside my head. Instead of asking my work mate during break time ( Hi Roy ) who, usually looks at me, with a 'Pass what ever your smoking over here' look on his face. I thought I'd throw it out into the World and hopefully get a few replies, thoughts or comments back ( via e-mail ). If they are funny enough I'll post them up here. I have found out that sometimes its best not to know the answer to things, such as 'Why is the sky blue?' and 'Why do men have nipples?' These are two questions that I hunted down the answers to on the net and now I know, well, the mystery was by far more intriguing! This isn't the usual daily blog found all over the net, actually, I'm not quite sure what this will turn out like.
E-mail me concerning anything via the link on the main menu stating if you would like to remain anonymous or not. The topics have been numbered for easy reference.
# 2 Why is it, when you're in the bath, your fingers and toes go all pruney? Yes, I know your skin is water proof up to a certain point and then it collapses. BUT why just your hands and feet? Why don't you step out the bath looking like a deflated balloon? Not that I would want to! I hate it when they go like that, it just feels so strange. Ah, the bath, the place where I have my weirdest thoughts, maybe its the chemicals in the shampoo? When ever I say to Roy ( see above ) "I was in the bath last night" I think he now knows the next few sentences are going to be slightly surreal. Like, if you place an upturned glass into water then the air will stay in the glass until its tipped over. Then the air will be replaced with water, right? So, if I'm lying in my bath tub and fart! Does that expelled air get replaced with water? That is, am I lying there with an arse hole full of water? Or does it get replaced with fresh? new, fart? Then again, how could you find out? I have asked lots of bemused people and after a bit of debating came up with. You would have to cork your arse, dry yourself off and then remove the cork and see if water fell out!!! I warned you, didn't I? But no! you had to keep on reading, right to the end. Does anybody else have strange thoughts such as this one? Or am I completely alone? And can I expect the nice men in white coats to come knocking at my door?
# 3 Do you believe in an afterlife? I'm not talking about a Heaven or a Hell or even God here, just ghosts. Do you think they exist? You must have heard peoples stories about something that happened to someone they know? Or maybe you've had an experience? I may have seen one when i was young but I legged it rather than check to see if it was a ghost, anyway its far too boring to write about here. My Ex -Partner 'J' works at the local Hospital, cleaning the 'outer areas' i.e. the building that was once a work house. Now, she told me stories on an almost daily basis, on what she had seen that evening. Such as, the plug from the vacuum cleaner shooting out of the wall socket, placing a jar of coffee down and then turning around to find it on the other side of the room. A man in 40's gear running up the stairs as she walked down them, being polite she stepped aside to let him run past her, only to watch him get to the 'half landing' (halfway up the stairs) and run straight through the wall in front of her. Then theres the ghost they call Grace, when she first saw her it was just her feet that was clear enough to distinguish, the rest was all fuzzy. The more times she saw her after that, the less fuzzy she became. The story goes, Grace used to be a nurse there, years ago and she accidentally drowned a baby and now roams the corridors forever. She has also felt a ghost, as if she was giving it a piggy back ride! And all she could hear was 'his' loud breathing in her ear. I think that really shit her up! Another spooky story she told me, happened to a Porter in the 'records room' a massive library of patients records. Anyway this room has shelf after shelf of these files and, of course, its dimly lit. Well, as this porter walked between two of these high shelves the files moved towards him, on either side, not enough to fall off the shelves though and as he passed the files went back in. bear in mind this was on every shelf, from top to bottom. So, it was like a 'Mexican wave' of files! My Daughter and her boyfriend went to meet 'J' after work and as he stood in a darkish corridor, he saw a pair of ghostly legs run past him. He ended up hiding behind J's work mate who is at least 60! He also went whiter than a ghost! LMAO
# 4 What the hell is wrong with pigeons? They have got to rate as the Worlds thickest animals? With their "I was here first, I'm not moving" attitude. As you hurtle towards them in your car. Also they have the most annoying 'coo' sound. What the hell is that? All the other birds whistle but not them. I reckon it's the bird version of "I know a song that'll get on your nerves." Perhaps their deaf? That would explain the fact they can't hear your car and they can't hear what a bloody row they make either!
# 5 How many times have you seen someone pick up a little furry animal and look between its legs "to see if its a boy or a girl"? Why do people do this? Because telling if the majority of animals is either Male or Female is difficult because they look so similar, yes? Ok but place an adult female and male human together and you don't need to pick up each one in the air because the differences are very apparent. Mainly the mammary glands of the female, which stick out a bit. My point here is, why do Women have tits? No other animal has such large protruding breasts? I mean 'DD cups' for example. Most animals just have nipples, or lots of nipples. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not complaining one little bit. Lets just say I'm a big curious fan! And while we're on the subject, if we are supposed to be descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys around? Did some of them say "Nah, I can't be arsed to walk around on two legs, I'm staying up here but thanks anyway"?
# 6 Aliens? If you were an Alien and you'd mastered space travel, no problem! You could flit from Galaxy to Galaxy and you decided to check out the Earth. What would you think? As you sat there in your flying saucer, looking down at the Human race. The greed, starvation, murder, rape, war, torture etc etc etc. What would you really think? Would you stop for a little chat? No! you'd fuck off as fast as your ship could carry you. And this is the reason no one has ever seen an alien!
# 7 Why? Oh why? Oh why? Oh why do battery operated clocks tick? What is the point? I bet the fucking irritating pigeons invented them!
# 8 On the subject of monkeys, why, in the Wizard of Oz did the writer decide that flying monkeys were scary and evil? What were they going to do? Throw poo at Dorothy? Oooooo terrifying! Now if they'd gone with flying scorpions or flying rattle snakes even but flying monkeys! C'mon get a grip ffs!
# 9 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are mentioned in the Bible in chapter six of the Book of Revelation, which predicts that they will ride during the Apocalypse. The four horsemen are traditionally named War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. ( Who, according to Terry Pratchett, rides a horse called Binky. Also Pestilence has retired and keeping with modern times, has been replaced with Pollution. (from 'Good Omens') Anyone not familiar with Pratchett's novels, shame on you.) In my opinion Pestilence will have the last say, (obviously, before he retires.) Let me explain. The Human race wont be exterminated by sixty foot marauding robots that fire laser beams from their eyes. Oh no! It'll be John Smith working in a little laboratory somewhere. Who accidentally or intentionally, creates a retro virus with no antidote, no cure and no hope for any living, breathing creatures on this Planet. Leaving Mother nature to hide all traces that we were ever here. Then far off into the future Aliens will finally (see above) land on this planet and find the remains of what's left of the Pyramids. Probably the only remnants remaining on Earth and they'll speculate as to who built this mound and what it was used for? Still, on the bright side, all the pigeons will be dead! Then again, they'll probably be carriers (carrier pigeons?) and immune to it. So the pigeons will eventually rule the Earth and grow up to six feet tall and be the only ones to meet the aliens when they first set foot on this Planet. Greeting the 'little green men' with a rock version of "I know a song that'll get on your nerves!"
# 10 Why do blokes, who never go anywhere near the cooker in their kitchen, can't boil an egg and can just about manage burnt toast, if they concentrate. Suddenly become Chefs (including tall, silly hat and novelty apron) when food is cooked outside on a barbecue? They'd rather starve to death if their wife or partner leaves them to go shopping than do a sandwich for themselves. BUT light a fire in a big bucket and they'll quite happily cater for forty people. Strange!
# 11 Being a bloke, naturally I detest shopping with a vengeance! My ex-partner 'J' had banned me from supermarket shopping, which of course, came as wonderful, wonderful news. Apparently "I'm too rude!" Me? Rude? As if? I'm going to assume that the reader of this has been inside a supermarket, where people, mostly women, stop in aisles for "a bit of a chat" (read - one hour) and block access for the rest of the World? Where, mostly Women, stop to examine food stuff, with their trolleys blocking the aisle at precisely forty five degrees? Where older Ladies smash ankle after ankle with their trolley as if it was a snow plow? I could go on and on. So on one of these miserable outings (before the ban) I suggested to 'J' that they should employ a one way system between aisles. That is, you could only go up any aisle on the left (in Britain) where, at the end, there would be a mini roundabout to do a u-turn and back down the other side of the aisle. This would at least alleviate the problem of trying to meander through the random oncoming trolleys? Maybe if the aisle was wide enough, then a jointly used overtaking lane? Or an overtaking lane on either side if width allowed? This would hopefully alleviate the problem of the female checking every ingredient inside a tin of soup or comparing prices or whatever it is they do? BUT most of all and this is my point. Us miserable men, who have far better things to do, can get the Hell out of them God forsaken places so much quicker!
# 12 To be honest, I'm really enjoying doing these Muse pages. Sitting typing in the evenings is very relaxing, also it's giving me something to think about whilst at work too. I have now deleted the rest of my site to concentrate on this section. So I don't run out of funny or weird topics, send me comments on any subjects here (I've now numbered them for easier reference.) Or start a totally new topic of your choice. The more emails I receive, the more interesting these musing will become. There has to be something that's been bugging you?
# 13 If the Universe was created with a 'Big bang' and no one was around to hear it, did it make a sound?
# 14 I have a question thats been bugging me for ages and I can't find the answer to. It is, we know the stuff Men produce is called sperm and semen but what is the fluid Women produce called? All I have so far is ' vaginal secretion.' There has to be a technical term for it? Anybody out there know? ................. (I just like to know what I'm eating!)
E-mail me concerning anything via the link on the main menu stating if you would like to remain anonymous or not. The topics have been numbered for easy reference.
# 2 Why is it, when you're in the bath, your fingers and toes go all pruney? Yes, I know your skin is water proof up to a certain point and then it collapses. BUT why just your hands and feet? Why don't you step out the bath looking like a deflated balloon? Not that I would want to! I hate it when they go like that, it just feels so strange. Ah, the bath, the place where I have my weirdest thoughts, maybe its the chemicals in the shampoo? When ever I say to Roy ( see above ) "I was in the bath last night" I think he now knows the next few sentences are going to be slightly surreal. Like, if you place an upturned glass into water then the air will stay in the glass until its tipped over. Then the air will be replaced with water, right? So, if I'm lying in my bath tub and fart! Does that expelled air get replaced with water? That is, am I lying there with an arse hole full of water? Or does it get replaced with fresh? new, fart? Then again, how could you find out? I have asked lots of bemused people and after a bit of debating came up with. You would have to cork your arse, dry yourself off and then remove the cork and see if water fell out!!! I warned you, didn't I? But no! you had to keep on reading, right to the end. Does anybody else have strange thoughts such as this one? Or am I completely alone? And can I expect the nice men in white coats to come knocking at my door?
# 3 Do you believe in an afterlife? I'm not talking about a Heaven or a Hell or even God here, just ghosts. Do you think they exist? You must have heard peoples stories about something that happened to someone they know? Or maybe you've had an experience? I may have seen one when i was young but I legged it rather than check to see if it was a ghost, anyway its far too boring to write about here. My Ex -Partner 'J' works at the local Hospital, cleaning the 'outer areas' i.e. the building that was once a work house. Now, she told me stories on an almost daily basis, on what she had seen that evening. Such as, the plug from the vacuum cleaner shooting out of the wall socket, placing a jar of coffee down and then turning around to find it on the other side of the room. A man in 40's gear running up the stairs as she walked down them, being polite she stepped aside to let him run past her, only to watch him get to the 'half landing' (halfway up the stairs) and run straight through the wall in front of her. Then theres the ghost they call Grace, when she first saw her it was just her feet that was clear enough to distinguish, the rest was all fuzzy. The more times she saw her after that, the less fuzzy she became. The story goes, Grace used to be a nurse there, years ago and she accidentally drowned a baby and now roams the corridors forever. She has also felt a ghost, as if she was giving it a piggy back ride! And all she could hear was 'his' loud breathing in her ear. I think that really shit her up! Another spooky story she told me, happened to a Porter in the 'records room' a massive library of patients records. Anyway this room has shelf after shelf of these files and, of course, its dimly lit. Well, as this porter walked between two of these high shelves the files moved towards him, on either side, not enough to fall off the shelves though and as he passed the files went back in. bear in mind this was on every shelf, from top to bottom. So, it was like a 'Mexican wave' of files! My Daughter and her boyfriend went to meet 'J' after work and as he stood in a darkish corridor, he saw a pair of ghostly legs run past him. He ended up hiding behind J's work mate who is at least 60! He also went whiter than a ghost! LMAO
# 4 What the hell is wrong with pigeons? They have got to rate as the Worlds thickest animals? With their "I was here first, I'm not moving" attitude. As you hurtle towards them in your car. Also they have the most annoying 'coo' sound. What the hell is that? All the other birds whistle but not them. I reckon it's the bird version of "I know a song that'll get on your nerves." Perhaps their deaf? That would explain the fact they can't hear your car and they can't hear what a bloody row they make either!
# 5 How many times have you seen someone pick up a little furry animal and look between its legs "to see if its a boy or a girl"? Why do people do this? Because telling if the majority of animals is either Male or Female is difficult because they look so similar, yes? Ok but place an adult female and male human together and you don't need to pick up each one in the air because the differences are very apparent. Mainly the mammary glands of the female, which stick out a bit. My point here is, why do Women have tits? No other animal has such large protruding breasts? I mean 'DD cups' for example. Most animals just have nipples, or lots of nipples. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not complaining one little bit. Lets just say I'm a big curious fan! And while we're on the subject, if we are supposed to be descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys around? Did some of them say "Nah, I can't be arsed to walk around on two legs, I'm staying up here but thanks anyway"?
# 6 Aliens? If you were an Alien and you'd mastered space travel, no problem! You could flit from Galaxy to Galaxy and you decided to check out the Earth. What would you think? As you sat there in your flying saucer, looking down at the Human race. The greed, starvation, murder, rape, war, torture etc etc etc. What would you really think? Would you stop for a little chat? No! you'd fuck off as fast as your ship could carry you. And this is the reason no one has ever seen an alien!
# 7 Why? Oh why? Oh why? Oh why do battery operated clocks tick? What is the point? I bet the fucking irritating pigeons invented them!
# 8 On the subject of monkeys, why, in the Wizard of Oz did the writer decide that flying monkeys were scary and evil? What were they going to do? Throw poo at Dorothy? Oooooo terrifying! Now if they'd gone with flying scorpions or flying rattle snakes even but flying monkeys! C'mon get a grip ffs!
# 9 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are mentioned in the Bible in chapter six of the Book of Revelation, which predicts that they will ride during the Apocalypse. The four horsemen are traditionally named War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. ( Who, according to Terry Pratchett, rides a horse called Binky. Also Pestilence has retired and keeping with modern times, has been replaced with Pollution. (from 'Good Omens') Anyone not familiar with Pratchett's novels, shame on you.) In my opinion Pestilence will have the last say, (obviously, before he retires.) Let me explain. The Human race wont be exterminated by sixty foot marauding robots that fire laser beams from their eyes. Oh no! It'll be John Smith working in a little laboratory somewhere. Who accidentally or intentionally, creates a retro virus with no antidote, no cure and no hope for any living, breathing creatures on this Planet. Leaving Mother nature to hide all traces that we were ever here. Then far off into the future Aliens will finally (see above) land on this planet and find the remains of what's left of the Pyramids. Probably the only remnants remaining on Earth and they'll speculate as to who built this mound and what it was used for? Still, on the bright side, all the pigeons will be dead! Then again, they'll probably be carriers (carrier pigeons?) and immune to it. So the pigeons will eventually rule the Earth and grow up to six feet tall and be the only ones to meet the aliens when they first set foot on this Planet. Greeting the 'little green men' with a rock version of "I know a song that'll get on your nerves!"
# 10 Why do blokes, who never go anywhere near the cooker in their kitchen, can't boil an egg and can just about manage burnt toast, if they concentrate. Suddenly become Chefs (including tall, silly hat and novelty apron) when food is cooked outside on a barbecue? They'd rather starve to death if their wife or partner leaves them to go shopping than do a sandwich for themselves. BUT light a fire in a big bucket and they'll quite happily cater for forty people. Strange!
# 11 Being a bloke, naturally I detest shopping with a vengeance! My ex-partner 'J' had banned me from supermarket shopping, which of course, came as wonderful, wonderful news. Apparently "I'm too rude!" Me? Rude? As if? I'm going to assume that the reader of this has been inside a supermarket, where people, mostly women, stop in aisles for "a bit of a chat" (read - one hour) and block access for the rest of the World? Where, mostly Women, stop to examine food stuff, with their trolleys blocking the aisle at precisely forty five degrees? Where older Ladies smash ankle after ankle with their trolley as if it was a snow plow? I could go on and on. So on one of these miserable outings (before the ban) I suggested to 'J' that they should employ a one way system between aisles. That is, you could only go up any aisle on the left (in Britain) where, at the end, there would be a mini roundabout to do a u-turn and back down the other side of the aisle. This would at least alleviate the problem of trying to meander through the random oncoming trolleys? Maybe if the aisle was wide enough, then a jointly used overtaking lane? Or an overtaking lane on either side if width allowed? This would hopefully alleviate the problem of the female checking every ingredient inside a tin of soup or comparing prices or whatever it is they do? BUT most of all and this is my point. Us miserable men, who have far better things to do, can get the Hell out of them God forsaken places so much quicker!
# 12 To be honest, I'm really enjoying doing these Muse pages. Sitting typing in the evenings is very relaxing, also it's giving me something to think about whilst at work too. I have now deleted the rest of my site to concentrate on this section. So I don't run out of funny or weird topics, send me comments on any subjects here (I've now numbered them for easier reference.) Or start a totally new topic of your choice. The more emails I receive, the more interesting these musing will become. There has to be something that's been bugging you?
# 13 If the Universe was created with a 'Big bang' and no one was around to hear it, did it make a sound?
# 14 I have a question thats been bugging me for ages and I can't find the answer to. It is, we know the stuff Men produce is called sperm and semen but what is the fluid Women produce called? All I have so far is ' vaginal secretion.' There has to be a technical term for it? Anybody out there know? ................. (I just like to know what I'm eating!)
# and now I really ought to start another page full of crap. Otherwise you'll be scrolling down forever!
L4RGE
Copyleft
2004 - 2010 L4RGE
2004 - 2010 L4RGE
Musing? Deep in thought; contemplative. To reflect or ponder, a state of abstraction.
Amusing? I hope so. (OR things that make you go hmm)
Amusing? I hope so. (OR things that make you go hmm)
